Sunday Funnies

For those of you dreading tomorrow, here is a sampling of what some Facebook dudes and dudettes were thinking about last week. It’s OK to laugh – it will help you face the inevitable Monday madness!

I’m just saying,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/

 

 

 

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Does Sex Really Sell?

I don’t personally think sex sells, but sexy sure does. I get e-mails from a good friend in Arizona occasionally that are sometimes sexually explicit. Close-ups of female body parts don’t do much for me anymore…I guess it is a Baby Boomer thing. Send me a full shot of a beautiful woman wearing revealing (but not too revealing) clothing and I go ga ga. All sanity is lost and I am subject to buy the product.

Youth indeed is a wonderful thing, but I fear it is wasted on the young. About the time a man matures and learns to respect beautiful women as being much more than just objects, he finds himself out of the running because of age. Yes, it is true – men take forever to mature. At least this man finds the last statement true. If I had known then what I know now – never mind, this is a mental exercise in futility.

When I look back at the asinine things I have said and done in my youth, I am ashamed of my gender. There is some consolation that I now know how important the female gender is to every aspect of life on this planet. This revelation came to me 20 years ago after I learned to say, “Yes, Dear.”

I am not afraid to admit that I am madly in love with my wife of 20 years. I am also not afraid to admit that I still look at attractive females (with respect). I never gawk, but sometimes I still manage to say something stupid in front of my wife. She understands me and my stupidity and lets it slide.

I am reminded of what my identical brother (R.I.P.) used to say to me after we became officially old. “Mitt, I guess it’s time to leave the hard bodies alone.” You are so right, Bro…you are so right.”

He was just saying,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/

 

(The New) Mitt Winstead – Author

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I have decided to reinvent myself into a new and young author.

Is this a picture of me? No, but nobody knows this fact – thus I have been reborn.

My publishers warned me not to divulge my age, but because I am a typical macho guy, I refused to hide my age. Perhaps that was a mistake inasmuch as Oprah is not asking me to appear on her show.

While I don’t know the guy in the picture, I am sure he will be more than happy to appear on any and all TV shows promoting my murder mysteries for a price. I can be famous vicariously through what’s his name above. It’s a perfect setup and since I don’t like to travel on airplanes…it’s better than perfect!

Now, that being done, I need a young wife so I can appeal to the married women readers of America the world.

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Cool…. Now I need at least one kid to appeal to family readers.

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Great…the family is complete!

This plan is pure genius and the readers will come flocking when I post a new Web page with these pictures of the new us. Just think, Twitter and Facebook will be wearing out their “like” buttons and the offers will be coming in…hold the phone – crap, my wife is walking into my office. No, not the one in the picture, my real one! Gotta go….

I’m just saying,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/

Attack of the Scorpions!

There are only a few biting and stinging critters I hate in Arizona – unfortunately we co-habitat with these monsters and they are what nightmares are made of.

These Arachnids are not only scary looking, but the Tree Bark Scorpion can be fatal to children and small pets.

These Arachnids are not only scary looking, but the Tree Bark Scorpion can be fatal to children and small pets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Black Widow spider has a nasty bite, but it is not fatal.

The Black Widow Spider has a nasty bite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Brown Recluse spider has a very nasty bite and the wound can get cancerous.

The Brown Recluse Spider has a very nasty bite and the wound can get cancerous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The centipede is a nasty looking creature and can ruin your day.

The centipede is a nasty looking creature and can ruin your day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is one way to protect your furniture from invasion.

This is one way to protect your furniture from invasion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only way to really see scorpions is to use a black light at night...then squish them flat.

The only way to really see scorpions is to use a black light at night…then squish them flat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the vision that can keep you awake at nights!

This is the vision that can keep you awake at nights!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t write this blog to keep you awake late at night – I wrote it to make you aware that Arizona does have dangerous terrain and habitats that house all kinds of nasty, creepy, crawling critters. Being informed is being prepared…have a nice day.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/

PS: Perhaps I should have saved this for Halloween?

 

 

 

Blog This!

 

Facebook Addict“Let’s cut to the chase about blogging – it is tedious and demanding work. You can’t please everyone and on some days you cannot even please yourself.” Mitt Winstead…2014

When writing my first book, Evil in the Mirror, in 2009, my publisher recommended that I set up a Web page, Blog site and join Facebook and Twitter. It will be easy, they said…you will love it, they said…it is the key to success, they said.

Three books and over a thousand blogs later, I can measure financial success in a thimble. Oh, the ego was inflated each time a new book was published, but deflated with the statistics from Amazon. I do like seeing the book covers in vinyl on the tailgate of my truck and my name as the author, but that and $1.40 will get me a cup of Joe.

Please don’t get me wrong; being a published author is indeed something to be proud of, but I had my heart set on going to a cocktail party with Anne Rice and her poet husband.

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Never once did I entertain the thought of going anywhere with Stephen King…he creeps me out.

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While both authors’ work impressed me, Anne Rice wins hands down in my book (no pun intended). She has the ability to weave a tapestry of wonderful characters and drag you into the scene while the reader is screaming and clawing to get out but can’t. I could always put Stephen down…unlike a Rice book.

Of course books are subjective, inasmuch as it is always a matter of personal preference. Some have called me a “sick puppy,” while others claim I am a genius. That is OK, just as long as I someday become a Best Seller. Even that does not guarantee financial success. I have no doubt that my trilogy will be selected to be made into movies with a famous director the same day I leave the planet.

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I fantasize that, even though 100 years old…Clint Eastwood with be that director.

Write on,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/

Hoarding Beware!

 

imagesUB37M989We have had a few hoarders in our family, but out of respect I will not mention their names. Besides, they are gone now and it would serve no good purpose. This family (and I will mention names) consists of Sandy, Mitt (Humans), Taco, Suzie (Canines) and one parrot (Aves) named Pickles. Let us not forget that Pickles is a Raptor, but I will save that subject for another blog.

After moving this herd of misfits from one house to another recently, it is obvious that this family is borderline hoarders. What is a borderline hoarder, you might ask? While this may not be scientific, I think any group of people who collects stuff for the sake of collecting stuff is a hoarder.

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There are three levels of hoarding. Level one is a house that doesn’t look cluttered, but there is an example of many motifs around the whole interior and exterior of the dwelling. Level two resembles level one with one big difference – there are additional items crammed into every cupboard, drawer and closet. The house looks uncluttered, but actually is not. Level three is when you have to walk down aisles with stuff piled high everywhere except in the skinny aisles. We are definitely level two and we have the boxes to prove it.

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I used to say, “Gee, I would hate to pass on and find out I could have taken everything with me!” I don’t say that anymore because the truth of the matter is that someone in the family is going to have to go through all your junk when you leave the planet. Now is that any way to treat family? Actually I can think of a few where that may be appropriate, but it’s still not cool.

My wife and I (including our daughter who helped in the monumental task of which we are still not finished) are now card – carrying minimalist. Especially our daughter…she lives in a motor home. She is a retired Navy gal and knows the importance of traveling light. Her advice is invaluable if we are ever going to avoid level three of the hoarder code.

Once we get totally settled, a huge yard sale is in order. We were going to have it this weekend, but there seems to be a rather large hurricane heading our way from the Pacific side of the Baja Peninsula. We will wait for good weather to get rid of many, many items. What doesn’t sell goes to the Salvation Army. To be on the safe side…we are going to have a sale every year to get rid of the stuff we had to buy during the year. Oh, yes – I know we will just have to have stuff…it’s in our blood.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com

Jonny The Feather

 

484142_3634882949967_209549249_nMy son Jon is an established tattoo artist in San Luis Obispo, California. I remembered seeing him on a visit to San Diego fourteen years ago and thinking, “This boy has more tattoos that Carter has little liver pills. I hope it doesn’t interfere with his career later in life.” At the time I was rolling high in the construction industry and considered the tattoo industry as a poor way to make a living, if that was indeed possible.

The economic crash of 2008 changed everything. Construction became a dinosaur and I went on unemployment for the first time in my 50-year career while Jon just kept on inking and making money.

The irony was not lost on me and I decided to become an author and write murder mysteries. When I e-mailed Jon about my decision, the following incredible response was forthcoming.

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Jonny wrote: “For you, Pops, I would say that becoming an author would be the transition between craftsman and artist…same as I once did…. Being a craftsman is an awesome thing and a stable thing. If you are good at it, you will have a good life, probably make a good living….

Making that leap into BEING an artist is scary, unstable, but thrilling. It’s not easy making a living this way because to me money is just paper (well cotton-based paper, but you know what I’m saying)…cool art printed on nothing but paper…no substance other than what I put on it….

I might have lost my mind or maybe I just took the blue pill a long time ago, but all I know is if I have to go to work every day to make “paper” to live on this planet, I’d rather do it by just selling “me”… what I “do” or “think” or “record” or “draw” or “ink” or “whatever”…But you have to do what YOU DO and trust in the fact that if it’s good enough other people will see it too….

Honestly I don’t think most people will really get me or what I’m trying to do art wise until 10 years after I’m dead and that’s just the way I like it. I will always be a little more infamous than famous and to me that’s the true mark of living on the edge and being a good artist.”

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This note from Jon amazed me and enabled me to break away from a long family tradition of working for the man and saving my money. For the first time in my life, I was not going to worry about the eight to five rituals and set my own hours doing what had appealed to me for decades.

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I had support from my wonderful wife, but the note from Jon finalized the deal. I became a published author with a trilogy and self-help books under my belt. I regret nothing about this change and I realize the reason I didn’t do it earlier was because I didn’t trust myself without the stability of construction work. I now understand the stability is doing what you love to do. Going to work at 3: 00 a.m. to write exciting chapters of a murder mystery thrills me to no end.

Thank you, Son, for your words of wisdom. I no longer need to bust butt on some construction job – instead, I get to travel the recesses of my mind. Oh, my…what I have found there!

I’m just saying,

Popster

http://www.murdermysteryevilinthemirror.com/